Another random round

december 4th 2008

Well it has been some time. But I feel I am running out of things to tell. And when I think of things I need to share, they are so random, and I don't really know how to put it into a context.
Like, I don't think I ever mentioned the element of Gas stations.... There are some, few, that has pumps like we know them. But for the most part, you will see old mayonnaise glasses, or mineral water bottles, standing on a table by the roadside or just one of them standing alone of right by the road. The content will be a clear but reddish or yellow watery element. This is gas. And when you are in a cab, they will often pull over here, and a guy will come with a long tube with the top of a bottle or gallon attached to it. This goes into the gas tank, and then the content of the glass is poured into it... And then you are ready to go again, now with an gallon of gas in the tank. You know to exlain how it looks. Do you remember when gas stations at had the small pump for mopeds? This looks almost like what was in those, it is just much more clear, because there is no oil in it... Anyway, I will try and get a picture of one of these ”gas stations” so you can see it. I mentioned to Sam the other day, that I wanted a picture of it, and he looked at me very puzzled, like ”why???”, and I said, well I have never seen it before... And he laughed... Well he has a pretty good understanding of how things are outside, but so many things is just such a natural thing for him, that he doesn't think that it doesn't exist in any other place.
Well besides from that, things here are coming to an end. Seanan is leaving tonight... Which is going to be very strange, bot that she has been around a lot lately. But she is still here, and I see her everyday (almost), but now her bag is in the other room -almost packed... well I guess things will be fine. It will just be strange, and I lose my confident somehow. I can tell Sam and others here a lot, but there are just some things they will never get unless they are foreigners... But it is not for long, in about 24 days, but who is counting, I am leaving Liberia too. I have very mixed feelings about it. I will really miss people, and some of the experiences this life has to offer. But I am also looking forward to going back to Ghana, not to mention going home. It is strange, but this time out, I have really missed home. But I think it is because I have had people from “home” around me for quite some time. And when they went back, I came here... And life here is tough... I don't think I can explain it. But it is hard. I think it is the extremes that meet you every day. You have the very rich and the very poor so extremely close to each other that you are always concious about the major in equality in this society. Year I think that is it. I mean in Ghana you also have it, BUT I was not living next to it. I was on the camp, and shared the housing and water conditions with everyone there... here I have some very nice houses next to me and I also have the house build of mats and almost falling down the hill it is build on. So everyday when I wake up I am meet by it. And I am by no means living in luxurious conditions. I went to a compound to visit someone a few weeks ago. And I had such a hard time enjoying where I was. These guys lives in a compound where they have a “bar” a swimming pool big apartments, where the living room in the smaller ones, is bigger than my whole place... They have two balcony's in every apartment. And from where we were, you see the two streets the place is on. So, I am standing here, on the balcony of this very nice apartment, looking at the swimming pool and also looking at the people sitting outside selling oranges and making less money in a week than we had spend on pizza...
don't misunderstand, I don't feel guilty for who I am, and I understand that people who come from outside, give up their life and work hard need a nice place to stay where they can unwind. If not they would go crazy. I have only been here 3 months, and I am sometimes on the verge of insanity. But, they didn't seem to have any connection to what was outside. I know they work with people outside everyday. But they are so far form it the minute they check out of “the office”. There must be some sort of balance. Anyone who has been able to succeed in life and make money should not ever feel guilty for it. But when you are in that position and you know things of value to this society, you have a responsibility to try and make a difference. If you come to Liberia and make a great living, you are responsible to help the people around you, in any way you can.
I don't know. I just sometimes feel that a lot of the people living here, have no idea where they are (some do, granted... some have really made an effort, but they are a minority).
So that is on my mind. But what is taking most of my time these days is trying to find a place to live when I get home. I think there is small hope, that I will actually succeed, but so far nothing is final.. So you pray for me.. Uh, did I say that. Well keep your fingers crossed at least....
regarding my fieldwork. I am ok. I have given up on thinking about it and being frustrated. I have come to terms with that the data I have when I come home is the data I have. And it will be fine. And all m frustrations about my method, well I will put them in a paragraph about methodology, and explain why it has and has not worked. And then that will just have to be it. But I think I have plenty information, and I sometimes worry unneeded. But I think that is part of doing fieldwork. I will figure things out when I get home and start sorting my info and writing, I am sure. I am just very scared, I will suddenly see all the things I should have done, and it will be to late... But no, I think I am ok. There will be things I wish I had, but for what I set out to get, I am confident that I got it. Now I just need to process it and write it up well... Pue, that shouldn't be too hard!!! Arghh, I am so fucking scared of that God dammed thesis... Is it really necessary to write it, I wonder....